Rules of Engagement (Clarified)

Welp, I'm a dummy.

I'd been waiting, hoping, for months, that you'd come walking alone sometime while I was out enjoying the evening by myself. And you finally did. And I… what? I waved at you. Laughed at something you said.

sigh

This thing isn't going anywhere if I don't solve my confidence problem. And it's not like you haven't given me enough reason to be confident. You absolutely have.

I'd say I'm just not used to it, but at some point you're going to get tired of waiting around for me to figure out that you actually welcome my company. You've done a lot of heavy lifting. I've done… 🤷‍♂️

Well, I've done work on myself, and that is good and important. And I have been inviting you to things here and there. But still.

But I also wonder…

I worry, and I imagine you must worry, about appearances. How would it appear for you to just stop and chat with me in my front yard? That was kind of going through my mind last night…

Except, honestly?

It's not like you're not known for stopping and chatting with people. So, how would it appear if you stopped and chatted with me? Well… it would appear that you're being your friendly self, lol. I mean, maybe if it became a pattern where you kept stopping by time and time again… But once in a blue moon? I don't think anyone would think twice about it. It's unusual for me, sure. It's not unusual for you, at all. Edit: To be clear, I'm not putting the onus on you to stop by here… rather, I mean that I shouldn't use the concern about “appearances” to justify giving in to my nervousness.

And it's not like I'd be inviting you into the house, or to the backyard or something. We'd just chat. And, yeah… I love to write about all of the other things I'd love to do with you (as I did last night… and every single word of that was absolutely sincere, as my letters always are…), but I really do mean it when I say that the thing I want the most is to just talk to you, to get to know you more.

I want to know who you are. Completely. And then keep learning who you become on into the future…

And that overrides all. My ridiculous libido (and I am well aware that it is ridiculous) is still going to drive me to think and write about the other things, but it's my heart that's at the wheel. And my heart simply wants to know your heart.

So, that said… a big part of why I sit out front on my own is because I'm hoping to see you come by. Even if I don't get to talk to you, getting to see you… sigh You truly are so very lovely (and were looking particularly smashing last night… goodness, I do love the way you dress…). But it's also a bit of an escape. I'm an introvert. I need time to myself sometimes. And my house feels very full when everyone is home. When she is home. And so I go to sit out front to recharge.

(But don't worry… if I ever did get up the nerve to go and talk to you as you walk by… you, and you alone, seem to have this magical ability to recharge me… I have never, even once, walked away from a conversation with you having less energy than when I went into it…)

Plus I don't want you to have to see me sitting with her. But… if she did come out. If I invited her to sit with me, and you came walking by… would that make it perhaps easier to get to talk to you? Because just you and me talking might be questionable, but the three of us… Oh, I would much prefer to have you to myself, but I'd rather get to talk to you with her than not get to talk to you at all. I don't know. I wish we had some way to communicate these things. Perhaps I'll try it one of these days, though she's sick at the moment (along with everyone else in the house but me… they blame it on our mutual friend…).

Or… I dunno…

What if I asked you to meet me for coffee sometime? Do you stop for coffee on your way to work? Would that be advancing things further than you're willing right now? I mean, it's not like it's a hotel bar… (and I'm still sort of wondering if my ears deceived me that one time…)

Or… Well… Not that I've looked it up or anything (ahem), but the one-way trip home from your work is about as long as one of my longer jogging days… It's not a long drive, but those few minutes are more than we usually get to talk privately… and I'd be able to get myself back home, no problem.

I dunno. That's probably a bit much. And speaking of appearances… it's not a huge town. And I'm pretty sure you know everyone, and everyone knows you.

Oh, ⭐️. I know we're both trying to navigate this the best we can, but I sometimes feel like I'm dropping the ball. You, in a split second, come up with “Well I am excited that you are here.” Meanwhile, I mumble and stumble just trying to pull off the closest thing to your little name trick that I can get.

I really don't know why you like me. At all, lol.

But you do. You've made it abundantly clear. And I need to get used to that. And figure out these rules of engagement. And figure out how to push them beyond where they are now, but not so much that you become uncomfortable. I need to talk to you. My heart aches to connect with you, constantly.

Well, we'll figure it out, my love.

If there's one thing history has taught us, it's that love will not be contained. Love breaks free, it spreads to new territory, crashes through barriers, painfully, maybe even dangerously… but, uh… there it is.

Love… finds a way.

Shyly yours,
♒️